


safe haven

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Rose Universe [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Safe Haven Baby, mentions of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27916006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: When a Safe Haven baby is left at the station, Maddie and Chimney finally have that talk they always needed.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Rose Universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951450
Kudos: 8
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been awkward to say the least over the last few weeks and Maddie knows she needs to do something to ease the tension as much as she can. That’s how she finds herself walking into the station, partway through her boyfriend’s shift, with his favourite cupcake boxed in her hands and a smile that probably looks as fake as she feels it is. It’s just an offering, an olive branch as such because she doesn’t _really_ know how to fix it. In her heart and her head, having a baby would fix the longing she feels inside of her that she just can’t seem to shake. But she can’t have that and she doesn’t truly understand why.

All she sees is a good dad who loves his daughter and who has plenty of love to give.

She gets it, she knows that there is trauma there she can never truly understand because she wasn’t there for the first few years of Rose’s life. She turned up long after he had settled into his role as a dad and she knows that he struggled more than she could ever think possible because the role of fatherhood had been suddenly thrust upon him without warning in circumstances no one would ever ask for. But surely he should be over that and through the other side?

The smile is quick to drop when she walks into a scene that is probably the last thing she’d expect. Chimney with a tiny baby wrapped up in his arms as he stares down at him or her with a look of sheer terror on his face. She can see how Hen is trying to talk to him, trying to coax him to give the baby to her but he’s just staring down as though he’s not quite in the room. No one had seen her yet and she does consider, if only for a second, walking straight back out of there and not dealing with the reality that her boyfriend appeared to be terrified of babies. There was still a part of her that clung to the hope that he would change his mind and they could add to their little family.

Somehow, she drives herself forward towards where Chimney and Hen stand near the Captain’s office, knowing that whatever follows could at least close that book for good because really, no matter what her boyfriend thinks, she’s not leaving him. “Um, hi?” Up close, Chimney looks even worse than she expected; his eyes wide and full of unshed tears, his body shaking and his face pale. No one says anything, although Hen looks relieved to see her, forcing her to take another step forward as she grimaces at her boyfriend. “You… have a baby?” It’s stating the obvious but she’s at a loss for what to say considering it really has been awkward between them since their initial conversation and she doesn’t have Rose there to act as a buffer. Which is awful, the more she thinks about it because they shouldn’t _need_ a buffer.

The look Hen shares with her before she walks off only causes her frown to deepen because she can’t help but feel as though she’s missing a massive piece of the puzzle. “Chim, honey?” She sets the box down and gently prises the baby from his arms, her heart breaking when she realises what she can only presume to be a little girl is probably barely a day old. She’s wrapped in a tatty blanket, her eyes closed, fast asleep and currently unaware of everything going on around her.

“Safe haven.” Two words that explain everything, although she hadn’t known the station operated as such, hoping that they didn’t get quite as much use as she suspected it probably did. Maddie is slow to nod her head, gulping down the lump in her throat when a tear slips down her cheeks and she takes a breath. The little girls entire life had been turned upside down in the few hours she had been in the world, suddenly left without a parent. It’s easy for her to looks down at the child and hope for a happy life, one where she gets adopted by loving, kind parents because she knows that blood isn’t everything. But maybe she’ll always wonder who her biological parents are, maybe she’ll grow up bitter and angry that she had been abandoned at a fire station. Maddie couldn’t blame her and she can see the similarities to Rose’s life, or the life she could have had but it’s not the same. A little girl thrust into a world without a mother just hours into being born.

Chimney is still staring at the baby in her arms and as much as she could stand there all day, holding the little girl and feeling the tiny baby stir in her arms, she knows he’s more important than anything she’s feeling right then. Even though she can’t deny the longing intensifying from the very second she had seen him with a baby in his arms, despite the look on his face. “I’ll be right back, why don’t you go sit down in Bobby’s office, I’m sure he won’t mind.” At least she knows he heard her because he’s stumbling blindly though the open door without another word and she finds herself looking around until her eyes settle on a wary Hen, hovering closely. “Can you—”

She doesn’t have to finish the question for the other woman to move back over to her, carefully taking the baby, being careful not to disturb her, “It brings back memories he’d rather forget…” She says, as though it explains everything, although Maddie can’t help but feel as though it explains _nothing_. Chimney doesn’t talk to her about the first few months of Rose’s life. The earliest story she’s ever heard is the story of her first tooth coming through when she was six months old. She doesn’t linger on the image of Hen cooing quietly over the little girl, quickly moving away towards the office, closing the door behind her.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand why—”

“I check that box at the start of every single shift since it was installed.” She takes a breath when he interrupts her, moving towards where he half stands, leaning against the desk to settle herself between his legs, brushing her fingers over his jawline as he talks. “I never actually expected to open it one day and see… _that_ and I know it happens, of course I know it happens and I’m glad her mother or whoever put her somewhere safe where she could be found but—why do we do it? Why do we bring children into the world if all they’re going to know is trauma from day one? That child is going to grow up knowing that she wasn’t wanted before she could even be given a chance. I-I don’t understand why the world insists on hurting anyone before they can even understand it themselves. Rose doesn’t know now, but she will, she’ll understand one day.”

Maddie takes a moment to let his words settle in, her thumbs pointlessly brushing the tears that fall down his cheeks away, only to be replaced by more seconds later. They hadn’t spoken about it before, not so deeply, just that he had Rose and that was enough and that was a good enough reason not to want another child. He wanted to focus on the daughter he had because he felt like a failure sometimes because he was the only biological parent she had left after her mother was so quickly stolen from her. And of course, him not wanting a child is reason enough, there doesn’t have to be justification for his not wanting, just as she doesn’t have to justify her longing but she knew there had to be deeper reasoning behind a father not wanting to add to their family, not when they were so happy.

“Is that why you said you didn’t think you wanted to have a baby with me?” The question isn’t delicate, she can tell by the way he flinches beneath her but she moves her hand down between their bodies anyway to slip her hand up his top and press small circles to his stomach in the hopes he’ll know she means no malice. “I think I need to understand to be able to get over this wall we’ve built between us and I won’t ever understand if you don’t talk to me.”

“Rose is always going to go through life never really knowing her mother and knowing that she died the day she was born. I got my mom for almost fifteen years and her dying was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life but at least I got some memories of her, you know? I see her in Rose and I get to see that because I know the real her, the her beyond stories people tell… I remember her and she won’t have that. I can’t bring another child into the world knowing that I could mess him or her up without even meaning to, I didn’t have a choice with Rose and I’ve made so many mistakes already and she’s not even been in the world for four years yet. She cracked her head open when she was one because I wasn’t watching her, I’ve left her to cry before, you know? I just listened to her crying and crying because I couldn’t figure out what she wanted and I wanted to give up. I met you because she broke her arm because I was paying more attention to my phone and when you leave me because I can’t give you what you want, that’s only going to add to it all.”

The circles she had been gently rubbing on his stomach falter and she shakes her head, “I-I told you I’m not leaving. I don’t just want a baby, Chimney, I want a baby with _you_. I want a family with you and Rose and parents make mistakes, people make mistakes because we’re human. The mistakes that my parents made with me, they made them with Buck, too because they didn’t learn. You learn every single day, Chimney, you want to be better every single day and that’s what makes you a good parent and the kind of man I would want to bring a child into this world with. And yeah, I know that… things hurt sometimes and we all have to go through life with baggage and trauma and I’d love to say to you that Rose and any future, fictional children of ours would never be hurt again and they’ll never have to know pain but we can’t control that.” Her lips press gently to his nose, dropping her hand from his stomach to lift it up and cup either side of his face to force him to look at her.

“You are an amazing man, an even better boyfriend and a wonderful father. There is no one else in the world I would ever even consider bringing a child into this crazy, terrifying world with. But I think you need help, I think you need to talk more about how Rose came into your life, to me and to someone who can offer you professional advice. Because keeping it all built up in that head of yours isn’t helping anyone, is it?” She smiles sadly when he shakes his head, hating how he’s still crying but relieved that he’d finally somewhat opened up to her.

“Just so scared all the time of failing… of you leaving… of Rose growing up and hating me.” His sobs break her heart even more, wrapping her arms tightly around him as she pulls him as close to her body as she possibly can.

“You’re okay, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere, we’re going to get you help, I promise, don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Her lips press to the top of his head, her grip on him tightening when his sobs intensify, trying to stop her own tears from falling when she hides her face in the top of his head and gently rubs his back, “I love you and Rose loves you, so, so much.” She just wishes he could see that.


	2. Chapter 2

Chimney feels both physically and mentally exhausted as he settles down on the bed, staring at his girlfriend as she busies herself getting changed into something more comfortable. Despite everything, he can’t help but smile when her first choice is one of his LAFD t-shirts and a pair of his boxer shorts.

It’s been a lot, the day has been a lot more than he ever expected it to be when he crawled out of bed barely six hours previously. It’s not even mid-afternoon and there he is, laying in bed after his girlfriend had practically undressed him for no other reason than he was simply too exhausted to do it himself. Part of him feels shame, whilst another part of him feels relieved that at least part of what he’s feeling has been said it out loud now. He knows that their conversation a few weeks ago wasn’t enough, that his reasoning would never be good enough for Maddie and he wishes he could blame her for that but can he really fault her for wanting a child? Before Rose, it was all he’d ever wanted.

“I love you.” He finally takes a breath when he’s looking at her as she stands at the end of the bed, her long, curled hair falling over her shoulders and her cheeks slightly flushed from the rushed effort she’d made in getting changed so she could climb into the bed next to him. His words make her pause when her knees hit the bed, but she moves towards him a second later and he smiles when she practically flops herself on top of him with a sigh.

He’s never been in love before, not really. He’d been infatuated with women, had crushes on many a female from afar but he’d never felt anything quite as intense as what he felt for her. It’s why the thought of losing her crushes him entirely and he knows how easy it would be to pretend that he wants a baby too, that he’d probably end up being a good dad with someone by his side but it wouldn’t have been fair to her. Maddie had been in a marriage with a man who was, amongst many awful things and in the very least, a liar, and she deserves a lot better than dealing with that again. It was the promise he’d made himself, that no matter how much it hurt him or her, he’d be honest.

Maddie is smiling at him and it takes everything with him not to blurt out that he’ll give her anything she wants. A child is a lifelong commitment and does he want that with her? Absolutely but whatever child they may or may not have in the future deserves better than the story of Chimney just wanting to give the woman he loves anything she wants. Her chin rests on his chest and he gently trails his fingers down her spine, just basking in the glory that is Madeline Buckley for a second.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier with someone who can definitely give you everything you want, Maddie?” He frowns when he feels her body tense beneath his touch, “I mean… I don’t want you to cling to the hope that I’m going to turn around one day and change my mind because I don’t know _what_ I want right now. I don’t want you to wait for something that might not happen if there’s someone out there who wants the exact same things you do.” He hates himself when he sees the smile drop from her face and the tears spring into her eyes as she traces the bridge of his nose with her fingers, gently moving her fingers around his lips and then his cheekbones, the silence almost killing him as the tears fall and hit his bare chest.

When she takes a breath, he can’t help but wonder if she’s going to turn around and agree with him. That she would be happier with someone else, that she should leave him and Rose and start a family of her own. “I didn’t think I would fall in love again,” It’s coming, the ‘but’ is coming, he can feel it in his bones whilst her fingers continue to trace over every feature of his face as though she’s memorising him, so maybe she’ll remember him as she says goodbye. “I didn’t think I’d feel safe enough to feel any of the things I feel for you or want any of the things I want with you. I do want a baby and I don’t know how to _stop_ wanting that but I want that with you. And if I can’t have that with you then there is no one else and I won’t be happier with anyone else. You and Rose are enough, more than enough and a baby would just be a bonus but I don’t need that to be happy.” He can feel his heart thumping against his chest, still waiting for her to get up and leave him. “I am happy, I just don’t think you are.”

He opens his mouth to protest that because he is happy with her and with Rose, he loves his girls and his family. Most importantly, Rose is the happiest he’s ever seen her, her heart so open to Maddie from the very beginning, as though they’d both been waiting for her without ever knowing. Maddie jumps in before he can say anything aloud though, “I mean I don’t think you’re happy within yourself. I never realised how difficult Rose’s birth was for you, I never even thought about the impact that would have had on anyone—I know you love us and even if you turn around and say you never want kids…. I choose you and Rose and I choose us. This is all I want, the three of us isn’t a consolidation prize, it’s everything I ever wanted and so much more.”

The words are enough to calm his racing heart down as he moves to brush her hair behind her ears, forcing a smile on his face, “I want to be able to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, more than you’ll ever know and I’m not saying never, I’m saying—I’m going to get help because I know my reaction today wasn’t _normal_ and I know there’s things I’ve never even told Hen about those first few months with Rose… I just want to make you happy, I want to make you feel safe and loved…”

“You do, you make me feel all of that and no one ever has before…” They both sigh at the same time and Chimney smiles as she lifts her head up to nudge her nose against his, their lips brushing as she does. “Just talk to me more, please? I didn’t know because you didn’t tell me… I just see how you are with her now, I wasn’t there for the beginning.”

It’s fair. How could he ever expect Maddie to understand the thoughts that whir through his mind on a regular basis if he’d never told her of the true impact of everything that had once happened? How he’d gotten a phone call on some random day telling him that he had a daughter and her mother was dead. It wasn’t exactly the hope he’d had for parenthood – he had dreamt of falling in love and choosing to be a father with that woman. He had no choice in this and he loved Rose, of course he did but the circumstances around her birth was nothing anyone ever would have wanted. “Okay, I promise.”

He can feel his eyes lulling to a close as he wraps both his arms tightly around his girlfriend to keep her lying on top of him as she is, her head moving into the crook of his neck as she snuggles a little more into him. “I love you.”

Chimney smiles at the words, squeezing her a little tighter, “I love you, too.” He wants to apologise for hurting her, for not being completely honest, for not being able to give her everything she wants and deserves, but it remains as a lump in his throat instead, knowing it would only cause her to shake her head and tell him that he had nothing to be sorry for. He’s lucky to have her, even luckier that she loves him enough to stay, he quickly decides, tilting his head to the side to press his lips to the side of her head, breathing her in as sleep starts to come easier than it should so early in the day.


End file.
